enjoy the blog.
its all me, the real me. if only i knew what that was
i speak randomly, on random topics...
especially ones that come to mind at 3 in the morning
hate it love it, whatever - your opinion is yours :)

the names graciie and i'm just the typical crazy out of control teenager
i love to be daring, i love to do things that leave me on the edge
especially, with my friends :D
i live for laughs and smiles, and being the reason for these on peoples faces
summer is the bomb, getting that lovely summer glow/bronze is *sigh* refreshing
and yuup2 thats it


drop down archives. → May 2010 → June 2010 → September 2010 → October 2010 → November 2010 → December 2010 → May 2011 → June 2011

you had your chance, for a year you had your chance
but now it's time to move on
it hurts me, that you barely realize how this is effecting me
how you think that we're all good, always laughing and making jokes
wish you knew on the inside, you really did break my heart.

and even now i'm trying to heal
but it's hard when i see you all the time
laughing with her, thinking of her, talking of her
and i just sit there laugh and say "everything will work out for you two"
i say it because you're my friend, and i want you to be so happy

you use to talk to me all the time, call me in the middle of the night
text me non-stop, like you were waiting for my texts everyday
i felt loved, like somebody cared
but 2011 everything changed, you changed as a person
and you found someone else.

you tried so hard to apprehend her attention
but for mine you barely tried, you ran scared.
Made me feel like i wasn't worth the effort.
I cried and screamed, to who ? I don't know
Maybe it was in hopes that you'd see me again
that you would TRY for me again

But, i know better not to grip onto the past
you're still my friend - no matter how much it hurts me
I will support you in your decisions, because thats what friends do
And in the off chance, that you change your mind
I still will always have those feelings reserved for YOU.



so many tears have fallen in this lifetime
but these so far are the most painful
tears of pain, misguidance, love
i cannot live in a world
where they are not

God, please they lay in your loving arms right now
Heal them of their pain
of the problems with their health.

If this is you testing me Lord.
This is by far the hardest
I wanna say that I have total faith in you
but, i'm so afraid
that i'll put all my faith, and the results will not be as i hope
I cannot deal with that sort of disappointment

I know i sound selfish
I know i sound so contradictory
BUT, i love them so much
losing them, will lose a part of me
that I feel i won't be able to get back

give me strength, give me guidance
let me know what it is i have to do
so many thoughts in my head
that i don't know if i can handle anymore.

what do i do



i'm not skinny nor pretty
i'm not rich nor uber intelligent
i don't have 'the package'

so often i'm reminded of how inadequate i am
in this world, where face value seems to mean so much

BUT, i try
to be the happiest one, with an intense exuberance
i try to make others feel beautiful
like they're noticed; like they're worth it :)

i'm not perfect
no, i'm far from it
but i wasn't put her to be perfect
i was put here to be the best ME i can be
for the glory of God.

to him i am beautiful.
to him i am a significant insignificance
TO HIM i am worthy
for i am fearfully and wonderfully made.



i cried tears of heartache that night . with thoughts only of you .
WHY THE FUCK does it hurt so much ?
just not knowing what's happening ; i feel so out of control

to be honest ; i just want you to be happy
and whatever decision you make ; i'll gladly accept
but what hurts me right now, is just not having any clue



i haven't posted for a while, and now.. two in a row ! oh snap.
but yeah, i'm not comign with happy as news. i'm just coming with a bit of a whinge so feel free to skip this post altogether.

i'm telling myself continuously ! ALL DAY ! to be strong, to ignore the things that hurt ; to trust that things will work out ; to just... trust people i guess

but i can't

i've already cried twice today ! i thought things were all good. i went away for a holiday for 2 weeks ; and i was supposed to come back and just breathe; be calm !

now all i feel is continuous heart wrenching pain ! i want to just rip out these feelings ; and just be the normal me... whatever that is ! i hate myself for some of these feelings... of jealousy ; of hurt ; of mistrust of...

just these unattractive qualities ! but i just need to get it out ; i can't speak about it out loud to people - it just feels so, embarrassing. so i turn to the INTERNET and just yeah.. vaguely spill out my feelings eh

i guess i should just grow up and get over it !
eh. who knows what i should do

the end



these feelings kept deep inside
threatening to overflow
i can't stand the unknown
from which jealousy comes from
i'm drifting further away
and i just want to screeeam

i want you to want me
but, not sure whether thats an option anymore
we're both so unsure ; we're both so inexperienced


i won't push it anymore
i'll try to let it go.
i'm lost and insecure
because i'm unsure .
because i don't know
and it hurts



as the obviously superior gender (female if you were wondering) i always constantly wonder in terms of relationships - who whould make the first move? the first daring, nerve wrenching yet extremely simplistic move of 'would you like to go out with me?'. Or possibly something a bit more suave like 'hey good lookin (insert corny pick-up line here).

Of course, most females have the mind-set of the GUY should ask ! But WHY? other than the fact that it's just how the order of things has come to be these days why? Why can't girls just step up to the plate and beat the guy at his own game?

And why am i wondering this? simply because i'm way to chicken to do this myself ! People think i'm this whole confident person when it comes to relationships, but HELL-TO-THE-NAHHOOO. I freak out, and think of every possible negative outcome (no matter how ridiculous (e.g. you're going to die - obviously a 0.000000000001% chance of occuring)

I see a lot of my friends, especially one comes to mind, she never lets anything hinder her. If she likes a guy, and she thinks its worth it - she just asks. If they say no... she keeps trying, if they say yes - well she obviously has her'other-half' for however long that lasts. I really envy her confidence, why can't i do that?

There's a guy, who i do like? and i don't know if he likes me ! but i wish i was like my friend - instead of giving up before even trying, i wish i couls step up to the plate, ask him, and if he says no then MEH what have i lost (other than a speck of dignity) - if he says yes, then well woot lucky me

oh dear ! this is the stupidest post ever, i just GRRRRR why is this so confusing? i need courtage or some sort of assurance... and this has nothing to do with my WANT for that other-half for myself, sort of.



So today, I went out to lunch with one of my, and usually I don't say it but SHE REALLY IS MY BEST FRIEND ! And we had our usual deep and meaningful conversation, which was both surprising and scary but nice all at the same time. We talked about the dramas that were happening in our lives... over sushi ^^nomnomnom

And we started talking about guys, love, the future, getting married etc etc very la-di-da stuff. And she was telling me about her friend:
He's been with his girlfriend for 4 years, so since year 11 or year 12, and he said the sweetest MOST cutest beatiful thing (this is all paraphrased btw cos i don't remember)
'i'm going to marry my girlfriend, you know, i can see myself happily waking up to her face every morning for the next 50 years! You know, there's that one person that no matter what, for them you want to be a better person, you know that for them you'll do anything'

So something corny and along those lines, and being the lover of corny lines that i am. I was like 'THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!' I want something like that, I want that feeling of, the person that I'm with and that i like/love I want to know that i can smile because of that person, that no matter what or how long we're together I will never be sick of them, that as time goes on that feeling of butterflies whenever they're around will still be there never fading away.

Maybe people will argue that 'oh you're too young for those feelings!' but i completely object. You can never be too young OR too old for love! I'm in a good mood at the moment, I don't know why. Obviously, I don't have any 'beloved' person in mind, but just the thought of it makes me happy, no matter when it happens.

I just want that feeling, because it truly is a BEAUTIFUL THING ! <3

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