That's what's happening to me at the moment, I'm afraid to say anything to people about what's happening because I'm afraid of their judgement.. which in retrospect, is so not me ! But it's the me of the present, the me of this moment ! and I hate that ME.

I want to scream and shout and kick up a fuss.. but people will think i'm an attention seeking little shit. I want to renew myself, but how many times have I tried to do that now ? More than I can count on my fingers. It's times like this that I wish I had a best friend, i have friends - way more than I deserve. But I've never been able to accept them into that circle known as 'BEST FRIENDS'.

You know, the ones you can tell everything too. The one who you cna cry too. THe one whose house you can rampage in the middle of hte night for food for guidance. I Just Want Someone Like That ! I just feel that now it's too late for that. So pointless wishing on hopeless dreams.

I know everyone says I should turn to God and ask him for guidance, but the presence of another human knowing that they're definitely next to me, knowing that I can see them is just ... that's what I want. I don't want some invisible all-powerful source just lingering around HOPEFULLY guiding me. I want to know that that person is real, not someone I've read out of a book, not someone who I've learnt about in Sunday School numerous times. Just someone who is real, without needing to justify his/her existence.

and I hate myself for that.