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the names graciie and i'm just the typical crazy out of control teenager
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drop down archives. → May 2010 → June 2010 → September 2010 → October 2010 → November 2010 → December 2010 → May 2011 → June 2011

i broke down today.





had a fathers day lunch, and I was so excited because I haven't seen my grandparents in a long time. And my grandma and my grandpa are my TWO favourite people in the world, they are my HEROES, which people may argue is kind of sad, but i don't care. They are the two people who i look up too the most in the world, they have the characteristics that I hope I may one day have. And i just, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, that it hurts me so much when I think that one day I'll wake up and know that they won't be there.





Last week, I didn't share this with ANYONE, (LOL so it makes sense to tell perfect strangers.. smart move) The background on my phone is a picture of me and my grandma:

And I was lying in bed, and the last thing I usually do before i close my eyes is I check my phone. And I looked at the photo and I saw, how old she was looking. And i broke down in massive sobs. THat night I cried myself to sleep, and all I wanted was a hug from my grandma. Truth is, i'm so scared. I know people say, be strong. But i honestly, don't think I could cope with life if she were to ever leave me. When I was growing up, my mum was always working. It got to the point that I started calling her mum, and of course being the eldest grandchild for the first 6 years of my life - i hate to say it, because i'll sound bitchy - i have always being the favourite grandchild. She's been a mother to me, and I'm closer to her than my own mother.

Similarly though, today ! It's father's day, and I wrote a song for my grandpa. I sang it, I was hitting all the right notes, and it sounded good. Then I looked at him, and i mean REALLY looked at him. I saw a complete stranger, he was my grandpa but he'd aged so much. So what happens? I break down in the middle of my song. In front of my entire family, and my littler sister was sitting there taking photos like it was some big joke. No matter how much I tried i just kept crying, and crying. I knew my voice was sounding shit, but my grandpa just looked at me whilst nodding his head along and smiled. So I was determined to finish the song just for him. I cried so much my mascara was all over my face, and then I finished the song. My grandpa wrapped me up in a big bear hug. and he hugged me so tightly that I felt like a little girl again who believed that as long as I was in those arms.. nothing could hurt me, I was invincible. My grandpa has always been a father figure to me, I don't know why, but since I was a kid I was never really able to connect with my dad. Our relationship is pretty rocky, and get's a tad dramatic at times. But my grandpa, me and him are tight. He's like a best friend to me, or what I think a best friend would be if I had one. ...wow this sounds so sad. but yeah, he's one of the best things in my life and I just... i can't lose that !

I know I should think about the now, about the time I have to spend with them. But i still have that fear, I'm afraid i'll turn my back for one second and they'll be gone. And like i said before, If these 2 amazing people were out of the picture, i don't think i could handle life at all. Just thinking about it, just makes me feel the biggest pains in my heart and at the pit of my stomache. I'm scared !

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cynthia mai cynthia mai cynthia mai cynthia mai cynthia mai cynthia mai cynthia mai

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